Wednesday, October 1, 2014

octpowrimo - Day 1 - yearning

yearning to
be caught up
and in char(n)ge

the changes are in my mind
but act out

yearning for a chance
one more time

one more time

will this be it?

Born anew - this time?



or write some of our own.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Why Am I Here?

I am here to bring creativity and awareness to others, organizations and to myself.  I am here to love others and cheer them on.  I am here to be a mother, a family member and a friend.  A wife and a lover.  I am here to cherish my life and to set an example to others.  I am here to notice things that others miss.  I am here to challenge myself and others, to reach higher than we all thought possible.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Why I Hate Holidays?

I don't like holidays because they are a sign to me that our society is sick.  We shouldn't be celebrating specific "types" of days, if we were mentally healthy humans we would be celebrating every moment of our lives.  We would be paying attention to our lives enough to hug and thank our mothers each moment they are amazing to us.  If you step back and think about it - your mother, your "valentine", your father, your loved ones all have their moments on a very regular basis.  All the other holiday's are the same, if you love our country you should be celebrating it all the time not just on select days of the year.  If you honor our veterans you should be helping them year around not just on a holiday.  

If you are a person in this society who rejects this sick way of operating as a human you get the exact reaction that I'm trying to avoid.  You get judgement, you get concern about how others treat you depending on what you "get" for recognition of being a mom, or what you didn't have to do on the day you are supposed to be "taking the day off".  That is sick.  Do you people hear yourself.  I want recognition 365 days a year.  I want to feel happy about the "birth" of my child 365 days a year not just on their birthday, or the day they "graduate" or some other milestone that is supposed to "mean" more than the rest of the days.  That sounds unhealthy to me.  I want to shower all my people with love and gifts all the time.

I hate holidays because they breed a feeling in so many that they aren't good enough - aren't good enough to be one of those things that is being celebrated.  I know a lot of people who aren't a mom, aren't a dad, aren't a son or a daughter to anyone who is alive.  They aren't a veteran nor have done anything in their lives that would match up to an official holiday.  I don't want to rob them of the gloriousness of being alive and a human who is loving, kind and amazing.  If you want to "include" people and make things so much better in the world with your "holidays" than you should also include "You are a loving person" day and we should all get the day off of work to go hang out with Loving People.  This would get ridiculous, we'd need to take every day off all year long to "celebrate" it all.  

I propose you make everyday a "holiday" so that we are celebrating the fact that we got up today, that we knew someone who used to get up, and that new people are getting up.  These are at minimum enough to celebrate 10 fold all the stuff we currently spend so much attention on.  I want the in-between days to be just as important as all those made up holidays. 

Keep your gifts for when you are "listening" to me when I say I "need' or "wish" and get it for me just because, not because a particular holiday has come about.  

I HATE HOLIDAYS!  And no, I'm never going to be Santa again!

[I've been thinking about this topic for years, I have felt stronger and stronger feelings about this issue lately, first this year with the holiday's and me not wanting to teach Alan about Santa, my still hating on Valentines day and how stupid I feel it is and then I decided to write it this 2014 during Mother's Day, then I looked it over again on Father's Day of the same year and decided that I still believe it all therefore I have decided to post it on my site.  I especially wrote this because of the time I spend on Facebook and seeing everyone changing their profile pictures and writing special messages to their loved ones.  These things do not sit well with me.  I really should get off of facebook.  The part of it that I like is to keep up with how things are going with friends and acquaintances in their everyday lives and to see Quotes and images that are positive and remind me of things I hold dear.  Finding a balance is important and will need to be decided on.]

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Natural Dye Job

Why don't I color my hair to hide the gray?  I am asked this a lot.  Here are just a few reasons.

I believe that when "beauty" products are used we do a few things:

  • we make life too complicated
  • we buy too much stuff that creates unneeded trash in the world - mascara bottles from age 16years to let's just say 66 years old - at 2 per year = 100 bottles, and then time 50 years with all the other products
  • we perpectuate the reality that some people take these beauty things so seriously that they actually believe that they don't look good without the products.  I think this is SAD.  I personally love how people look with nothing on, clothes are fine but why put chemicals on your skin to change how you look.  Today on my birthday I noticed that I have sun splotch marks on my cheeks near my ears.  I think it does look weird sometimes when I notice but I'm not going to go run and find a "product" to cover them up or change how I look. 
  • we are restricted to the "need" to use them over and over again - costing money that many people don't have, putting on make up or dying your hair color is a "want" not a need.  
  • we create an idea that there is something wrong with being older than we were yesterday and we devalue the person as a wiser elder to go to for advice and help or even go to them for assistance.  If I am always trying to look younger I am not going to be taken as a elder, I am a great elder.  I take my position as an elder very seriously!

I will never dye my hair because I know that I do not want to participate in these 5 things in ways that are negative.   Now if you color your hair because you just want to go from brown to blond or blond to red, or some other combination then that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about.

The great thing though is that I am saying all this for myself, for my purposes, for my love of life and my self.  If someone else wants to have dyed hair or use "beauty" products I am not casting any judgement.  I welcome you to do what you want.  The only exception I make is when you tell me that I should wear make-up, or dye my hair, or use high heels, etc.  If you do that then you are telling me that I am not good enough the way I come - natural.  You are suggesting that I should change.  Please do keep your opinion to yourself.  I make these distinctions for myself and I make them in a general way so that I don't offend anyone whom I know and love who embraces their non-natural ways whole heartedly, as long as you don't involve me, we are good to go.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

What? I'm an ALLY!

[I wrote my story for the Coming Out Monologues, it was accepted. I don't have a car now so I can't see it being performed but I hope someone in the audience "gets" it. The names of the people have been changed and/or have not be used for privacy reasons]

I went to college and had my own "coming out"  as being an ally.  It was an eye opening experience. My roommate was openly gay and our Resident Director asked me to room with her because no one else would.  I lost friends I had made prior to rooming with her because they didn't think I was a good person anymore because I supported her.  I supported her because I felt all people deserve RESPECT and to be treated with decency and love and compassion.  Regardless of whether or not they are different from me.  And once I became her roommate I realized I had a lot more in common than different.  One, she was loud and obnoxious, I am loud and obnoxious, in fact she would tease me that I was her mini-me and that was before Austin Powers!  

Here is the whole story as I remember it.

I grew up in a sheltered and routine based household.  We learned about whatever was on NPR or KVCR television.  We grew up going to mass every single Sunday.  I never missed a weekend.  EVER.  I always did chores every Saturday morning.  I couldn’t go out with friends on both Friday and Saturday night, only one night a weekend.  Sunday wasn’t consider a weekend day.  My foundation was based on familiar territory.  I went to public school.  I was well liked by all types of kids.  I did well in school.  I was liked by adults.  I generally obeyed what society wanted me to be like.  By 6th grade I was pretty well versed by what the world was doing outside my sheltered abode.  I was starting to learn about how other things worked: drug dealing, broken families, being poor.  I started to only make friends with those who were “down and out”.  Those who were teased.  Those who cried at recess.  Those who didn’t smell that great.  Those who wore the same outfit to school all week long.  I started to learn from them that my sheltered world wasn’t very familiar to other little kids.  I started to get pretty grateful.  I started to feel that the world wasn’t fair.  I learned about the “F” word in 2nd grade.  I knew was SEX was by 4th grade.  I felt pretty smart.  THEN I WENT TO COLLEGE.

Like many other college campus’ there is that DIRTY BIOLOGY course that most everyone takes to fulfill a breadth requirement.  I took it too.  And my dorm building mates.  We talked about the course in the dorm lounge.  Things got heated.  Especially when we talked about what my dorm mates called the gay lecture.  I remember walking out of that lecture and my good friend saying, “If my kid ever turned out GAY I’d kick them out of the house.”  I asked her immediately that if I told her I was gay would she not be my friend anymore, quickly she answered “Yup, I wouldn’t be your friend”  I was floored.  This wouldn’t be the last time.

Because of my personality I was asked to room with a lot of people that others wouldn’t room with.  When I asked why he had placed me with a crazy lady who was 15 years older than me, the resident director flat out told me, “You are the most tolerant person I know, that is why I give you all the residents I can’t place with anyone else.”    He didn’t ask me before that placement but he did ask me before placing me with Lucy.  It was so controversial for him to place someone with her that he had to ask me if I would do it.  WHAT?  Why?  You wont ask me to live with an alcoholic nymphomaniac with two broken legs but you’ll ask me if I’ll room with an “out dyke”  WHAT?  I immediately said “YES!”.  I mean come on, she has a bad ass sound system and owns a TRUCK!  I love trucks and loud music.  Maybe she’d let me blast my Metallica?   It didn’t even cross my mind what would happen to me when I actually moved in with her after the break.  

I basically made all new friends.  The friends from North Carolina that I had been hanging out with prior to moving in with Lucy confronted me and said they couldn’t come hang with me anymore because they were afraid Lucy would hit on them.  WHAT?   The friends refused to even come knock on my door for fear that Lucy would answer.  The friends I had been going to mass with didn’t want to give me a ride anymore because they were afraid I’d be turning GAY and didn’t want me to go to church with them if I was.  WHAT?  How do you turn gay?  WHAT?

I got so frustrated.  I was angry.  I was sad.  I was confused.  I started to read about what it was like to be GAY.  Lucy told me what it was like to be GAY.  I told her what it was like to live with someone who is GAY.  We commiserated.  She was angry.  She was sad.  She was confused.  

I decided that those old friends weren’t worth anything and that I was better off without them.  I would rather have friends who would come help me no matter who I lived with or lived next door to or worked for or married or gave birth to or did for a living.  I came to realize that me rooming with her was the best thing that happened to me as a college student.  I learned that I really do support ANYONE.  I started to analyse my thoughts about love and action.  

With Lucy I learned that loud music blasted at 8am got people angry but that because a GAY person was doing it they were going to get more upset than normal.  Who wouldn’t like SUPERTRAMP!?   And the speed metal guy on the other side of the building never got complaints filed against him.

I learned that the petty things I saw in elementary school and junior high still went on with adults.  I sat with Lucy in the cafeteria ALONE because no one else wanted to sit with us.  I learned that Lucy had a lot of other friends I didn’t know about but they were secretly friends because they weren’t ready to be OUT to the world and they knew that by being seen with Lucy they would be considered GAY.  We would go to LA to go clubbing and Lucy would pick them up at the local grocery store so that other people wouldn’t see them going out with us.  WHAT?  When I hang out with a bunch of guys people don’t consider me a guy.  When I hang out with a bunch of goth dressed people others don’t consider me a goth. In high school when I hung out with the “rich” kids others didn’t think of me as rich!  WHAT?  

From that quarter in college I realized that I would always be an ALLY, not just to my friends who were GAY but to all people, no matter what.  Anyone who has struggled.  I am there for you.  I support you.  I respect you.  

Sunday, March 23, 2014

NICU babies - Giving Birth Without Birthing

I have two children.  Almost a decade apart.

I have been pregnant a lot, have had a few miscarriages.   I have felt the pain of being pregnant without seeing my sweet childs eyes look into mine.

I have read a lot of blogs about the story of being a mom.  We all have stories and there is a slight difference in each one but the thread of similarity is constant, we have all had pain in becoming a mother.  In one way or another: loss of a child, loss of a feeling, loss of something.   One thing that keeps popping up time and again when I think of my story is the large desire I had to actually give birth.  I wanted to feel the joy of using the physical strength of giving birth.  I wanted to be able to do the same thing so many woman have done forever and ever.   But I wasn't able to do that.  Both my children were "birthed" using technology.  Both children spent their own time after being birthed in a hospital, a space of beeping and dinging and clicking.  The smells of that soap the parents use to be "safe" while they hold and stroke their dear little ones in the NICU.  I remember it all.

When I meet someone new and the topic of children comes up it ineviables goes to something like "oh you must know what it is like to give birth?"  Well, actually I don't.  I know what it is like to be pregnant until about 31- 34 weeks.   I know what it is like to feel him kick and squirm in there.  I know what it is like to see their image on the screen for the first time.  I know all that.  I don't know how it feels to be so big that you feel like you don't want to be pregnant anymore.  I don't know how it feels to have contractions so strong that the baby comes out.

I don't know what it feels like to recover simply from giving birth.  I don't know what it is like to go home with your child, to sleep apart from them for the first time when they are far away from you.  To have been with them for what feels like so long and then to be so very far from them, sleeping alone in your bed at home while someone else is caring for them.  I do know what it feels like to endere the hormonal changes without having the benefit from the birthing process.

We are all moms, we are all parenting.  We all do everything as we know how, all differently.  My birthing story is different from most of my friends, my birthing story is unique, it is my own.  My birthing story is very much a like so many other mom's who had a c-section and the child was in the NICU.  I have a similiar story.  But.... society has one story that they expect all mom's to have.  The "positive/best case" story that is in the magazines, that is on the documentation that they give to you when you go to your first pre-natal appointment, the story that is on the website you use to track your weeks.  That society story isn't my story, and that is the point of my post.  Societies stories are narrow and isolating.  Society should learn to use its power to incorporate all humans, societies should learn to be whole and giving, not negative and taking.  Society has a lot to learn.

(UPDATE:  I recently heard this episode of Radiolab:  -  it is a good one about the experience of having a child in the NICU)

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Cards for Business...and existing...

So I am seriously planning on starting my own business; the business of working with people to do things.  What things? Anything really - anything that I feel is fruitful for creating a positive world.  Contact me!  It will be great.  Here are the first eight of my business cards.  Aren't they cute?  I think so.

I am interested in doing business by using the "exchange" method of payment.  I want to do something and in payment I'll receive something back.  Some people consider this "bartering" or exchanging something for something.  I basically would like to operate using an alternative currency.  I'm not too happy with the one that most people use.  There are a couple of things that will happen when doing this - I'll have to learn to trust people, I'll need to build communities of people I am going to be working with, being in relationship with others, and trusting and building hope in society as a whole.  I feel this is going to be much more positive than what is currently happening.

I have no idea if it would work but I think it might be a great start to my business.  Something where I can start a business without worrying about "credit" or "having a business account".  I wonder where there is a law against this type of operation.  I wonder if I can call my business something else - instead of "owning my own business" I could call it something else.  Owning my own existence?  Quiting my current job and creating my own existence instead.

Sometimes I think that I am going too off a totally different path but there are a ton of people who think this way too.  I just need to find them and work with them to exist.  And then all will be well with me.

Where are you "positive existence people"?

I am looking for you!


Saturday, February 8, 2014

Rhythms of Life

The fact of the matter is that I am not really good at writing.  I didn't pay attention in school regarding grammar rules or spelling clues or anything like that.  I was mostly observing people in school.  Not academics.  I some how missed out in getting instruction in fractions in 2nd grade.  The teachers were in the process of putting the kids in ability blocks and we were rotating from teacher to teacher learning math, our block accidentally skipped the "fraction" section.  I must have paid attention enough since I was able to graduate high school with a 3.0 and obtain a bachelor's degree but the idea of going to graduate school to use my academics is not appealing at all.  I don't feel prepared for that part of graduate school but I am excited about the possibility of having conversations with my peers of the academic nature.  When creating a pro and con list for graduate school there are definitely more items on the pro side.

In order to apply and get myself into a program I first need to convenience myself that I have the wherewith all to succeed academically.  Then when I do that I can work on convincing the program administration that they can trust I'll be able to succeed academically.  Finally I need to find the money and the time to succeed in the program.  A journey for sure.

As I work with college students I see myself taking my own advice while they are trying to decide if they should go to graduate school.  I suggest writing a pro/con list and figuring out if the rhythm of their life should lead to more school or not.

The rhythm of my life sure is pointing in that direction for me.  A journey that will be a wild ride but sure will be something to document and enjoy immensely!

Saturday, January 4, 2014

365 (a figment of Time)

There is a trend for people to document a new habit or something they are trying out.  Then the person who does this writes a blog about it and then a book deal is made and then possibly a movie.  Wow!  How nice that they get that kind of attention.  (these projects range from taking a picture a day, walking across the country, etc.)  I too want to do one of these but not for the attention or a passive stream of income (ads off your blog) but to get in the habit of doing something for myself that will better myself.  I think it would be fun to do this if I had a purpose to accomplish in 365 days.  At this time my purpose is too broad to use this tool as a guide.  I want to accomplish too much.

There is another reason to do this - to inspire others.  If I can do it then maybe they'll think they can do it also.  If I post a blog entry every day for 365 days in a row would that be inspiring?  It would depend on what I have to say for those 365 days.  It would depend on who sees my entries.  It would depend on if that person was ready to be inspired.

A big part of me would want to do this for myself first off so that I would have a historical reference for my own personal accomplishment.  I feel this would be a great way to understand myself and the process I'm undertaking to make change in my world (which would then make change for everyone else).  Documentation in this format is something that is benefical to me and to others.  I do feel that I would be just joining the bandwagon of what is a "phenomenon" due to the social media fad.  But is is a fad?  I do think there is an aspect of it that is "fad like" but I'm not sure it is doing to go away anytime soon.

Fine print, by posting my progress would I then be giving my content to google?  I need to read the fine print, my assumption is that if you use a free serve on the interwebs you are giving up your ownership of your content.  In order to possess ownership I would need to find another method to create my 365 blog.  Would this be necessary if I am doing this just to show others what I did?  If my intention is to make money off the 365 days then I should do my research.